The Unbearable Lightness of Being with M.

After that dubious interdule between M and I where he said he no longer trusted me and no longer wanted to be sexually involved with me my feelings were mixed. Was he kidding, was he serious.

He said he was serious. And I respected that. Deep inside I felt cheated. Like another rejection of T. And my mind started to double think. It was the truth? or he just got bored and wanted to part ways.

I'm at loss.

That evening I went to the sauna with him.

I was happy of seeing him there, and I tought that the beforehand conversation was forgotten.
Then he got lost. I found him. In a dark room. I heard the moans only his manhood can induce. My heart started to break, as the day R took me to A's home. As the day I saw T going out of that private room. He was there, a wall away, having his pleasure granted for other man, and other man having his pleasure of him. And I, having none. I sat for a while in the darkness. As the moaning grew louder, a couple of tears, loneliness, heartbroken I went out, there, in the midst of the dark corridor, the moans as my ilussions started to go away.

Ironically the went out before I could go away and he found me at the hall. He stayed and then introduced me to the guy he was fucking so dearly, I tried to conceal the rage, the pain and the cinism characteristic of all my lovers and assumed an uneasy face of concord. We chatted for a while, the guy, a little pecker, very well built, but unequivocally of low origins sharing with us some of his background. From time to time my eyes wandered to him, and everytime I saw him the pain grew, so I forced myself to fix my vision on the little guy.

It was too harsh to stay with him. I didn't want to. I thought he would realize I was in suffering. So I took my way and went to search for my own share of flesh.

There was nothing worth that night.

A young man who freely offered me his ass to be puckered and I delightly took.

After that I heard M talking with someone, guess he found something interesting, I had to force myself to restrain the tears.

We went to eat. He said once that I was getting involved.

Me?! I said. Nooo. (Well M, yes, I thought you were, you know, different. Your open mind just reach as far as your own interests)

I couldn't take the sadness out of me. I've sad all this days. I miss him. I don't want to be with other man, only with him. And he accusses me of hiding something. What a jerk. Sure I hide something. Something I know he doesn't want to know. I'm falling in love with him. I'm at loss.