Saying goodbye to a shadow

I can understand the pain of C.
Unable to balance his ego against the fact that I won't see him again.
Neither I would let him take out what he feels in the inside.

So, I confront the same issues with M.
Deep inside I wished things could be different.
That somehow in some other world M. and I could be together.

But in this world.
Nothing is quite as it seems.

And I'm not the object of M.'s affections. As I wasn't the object of every other one I had fell in love with.


I'm seeing a trend here?!

Anyways, yep, I was down and writting a goodbye letter:

Dear M.:


I remember the first time I saw you. I can remember how I felt, I had forgot the music, I had forgot anyone else face, I even had forgot the day, but your face that night is the only constant I had.

Fast forward, everytime I saw you, I wonder who you were, later, when the possibility of a liasion between you and T. everything went throught the drain, and my admiration for you turned into pain.

Fast forward, that night in J's apartment, my ego sided against my will, and in our first time together, I was trying to shout my inner pain screaming "foul!" and focusing on you.

Fast forward, there were two great weeks, I loved you had let me share your life, let me learn how you lived, what's your routine, what do you like.

Everything seemed just perfect, too perfect in fact.

Fast forward, our first visit together to the sauna.

I remember the pain returning, the inner one looking at me from the dark deep of my mind, smiling sardonically: "you see, your outstanding human is just another T."

I could felt my heart break with every pounce I could hear you giving to that asshole guy.

A part of what I feel pretty about you went to the grave that night.

And even if I had tried to recover what was lost, you won't allow it, I couldn't risk.

Hope I would find one day the one that would take me to the limits of my choice.

And love's gravity would be so strong that I would got caught in the strong pull of Eros for never let it go.

Or die trying.

Because being Alone, is not an option. Is my curse.

I have been alone too long, my awareness is just a point of dust in an endless desert, I won't have that chance in eons to come, starts are never equal, initial conditions can never be duplicated. Life as it is, never is the same.


I love you, just hold me, I'm ready to play.

That words, hope, never would go out of my mouth to you.

I'm going to miss being with you, I know you won't ever read this so I would tell you, my dear, I wanted you not for the sex, you were as cold as a machine could be, I wanted you for that what surpass show, that inner light that I could see flickering everytime I spent time with you.

But, somethings are beyond our grasp.

And that light of you, is.

I love you M. That's what I have so much fear to tell you, that's what I have so much fear you could find in my eyes.

Goodbye my love.

I holded your hand in my memories all this years.
I got to hold yours phisically.
I even got to have you becoming one with me.
You always will have all of me.

From now on, I would have you only in my memories.
I would watch you as I watch every other one.
Throught the walls I had built to protect myself of people like you.

I will hold your hand through all these years.

I'll try hard to tell myself that you are gone.
And even as I feel you with me.
I still would be alone all along.

Hope you well.

Best regards,

K