The Journal Entries

Journal Entries: Love, sexuality and devotion.

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Location: Caracas, Distrito Federal, Venezuela

Thursday, August 28, 2008

I want what I cannot get...

A month since my last physical communion with another guy. It feels as if my senses are tunning, narrowing, homing on potential suitors but something restraints me of plainly go and take them, as if I just "don't want".

Can't see a nice cut hairline atop a muscled neck, a broad back, a nice fitting, the sound of a zipper going down, the view of a hairy arm without getting an instant erection, feeling currents trough all my skin and just taking a deep breath to hold the slithering moan pleasure would eventually induce.

Poor the soul that would have to quelch this fire. Tried with a woman, but it was as close as having sex with my left hand, quite impersonal and never intense, and the body was soft, I miss so much that particular hardness.

Damn.


I don't want love. I want pure lust, debauchery, sex for the sake of sex itself.

Caveat,

With a guy.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

On the perils of empaths

Proof. Twisted perception of Reality or enhanced version of it?
Was I perceiving instant by instant or was I creating my own version.
Some less else.

Some actions shouldn't be repeated.
The outcome should be clear now.
Isn't it?
Contempt among the "goy"

Clint plays
Keep playing Clint
Troubled notes mimic my troubled mind.

Some actions shouldn't be repeated
The outcome should be clear now.
Isn't it?
Contempt among the "goy"?

Source?
K, sudden looks, silence
E, sudden looks, silence

Proof? Twisted perception of Reality or enhanced version of it?
Was I perceiving instant by instant or was I creating my own version.
Some less else.

Light makes me more sensitive to darkness.
This I had known.
What I cannot perceive by dark, I can perceive by light.

Some actions shouldn't be repeated
The outcome should be clear now.
Isn't it?
Contempt among the "goy"?

But as Light allows me to raise to those heights
Would indeed increase my gift?
Or will twisted feeding on placebus fears?


Light makes me more sensitive to darkness.
This I had known.
What I cannot perceive by dark, I can perceive by light.

Behaviour, untold
Wait until I say done
But no wait this time
Everything is clean
I'm invited to leave politely

But as Light allows me to raise to those heights
Would indeed increase my gift?
Or will twisted feeding on placebus fears?

I found S
It's odd despite all I stil find S attractive
So much is my lusty nature
I put first mind before everything else


Some actions shouldn't be repeated
The outcome should be clear now.
Isn't it?
Contempt among the "goy"?


How would the farmer feel
if his herd look at him in contempt?
Surely would amuse him.
How would the reaper feel?
If his fields would look at him in contempt?
Surely would amuse him.

But as Light allows me to raise to those heights
Would indeed increase my gift?
Or will twisted feeding on placebus fears?

They warn me this path would may well lead to madness.
Everyday I wonder how I manage to keep sane.
Would be this the reason I write, I paint, I draw I create?
To keep the madness at bay

Some actions shouldn't be repeated
The outcome should be clear now.
Isn't it?
Contempt among the "goy"?

The morning is cold
Sun still had not enough strength to warm Earth
"It has changed" He asks
"Not really, it has improved tough, but it's the same"
So we walk in silence until Alexandria fades and I'm alone in my room again.


Light makes me more sensitive to darkness.
This I had know.
What I cannot perceive by dark, I can perceive by light.

Certainly I cannot second guest inefability
Odd feeling
Doing wrong is actually what turned to be right
Doing right is actually what turned to be right
Doing nothing is actually what turned to be right
My Two cents my Lord

They warn me this path would may well lead to madness.
Everyday I wonder how I manage to keep sane.
Would be this the reason I write, I paint, I draw I create?
To keep the madness at bay

While I fall
I also hover
Sometimes I don't feel the fall
or I don't care
But certainly on of us is always hovering
Observing, taking notes

Love, ahh love.
You were something abstract
As the godhead was
As oneness was
As the singularity was
But not any more

Light makes me more sensitive to darkness.
This I had know.
What I cannot perceive by dark, I can perceive by light.

What do you love
Not, not , not, not
A messenger unfold his wings
Who do you love

Some actions shouldn't be repeated
The outcome should be clear now.
Isn't it?
Contempt among the "goy"?

Fun, then curiosity, then fear
Who do you love?
This, and this, and these, and those, and that.
No, no, no, no and no.

Proof? Twisted perception of Reality or enhanced version of it?
Was I perceiving instant by instant or was I creating my own version.
Some less else.

Perception is reality.
But that's not perception.
You don't see it with your own eyes.
You feel it from the deep of their own minds.
Sometimes it sucks being emphatic isn't

How many walls I'll need to build
How many misjudgements
Wouldn't be easier to not allow anyone in
As you build your walls
They also build theirs
It works both ways

One day I opened a gate
And found myself surrounded by walls
I hasn't built

Some actions shouldn't be repeated
The outcome should be clear now.
Isn't it?
Contempt among the "goy"?

Did you feel that?
Did you hear it?
Did you see their minds?
Contempt.

Some demonize you,
Some enshrine you,
It hurts the most when the ones to demonize you
Are the ones you love the most

Some actions shouldn't be repeated
The outcome should be clear now.
Isn't it?
Contempt among the "goy"?

So my advice, little one, is to build more walls
thicker and higher
and shutdown all the bridges
and allow them to build their walls
We've all we need inside to survive the siege.

He avoided my sight, is odd trying to do so
However the skin was warmth
How I crave such warmness
But we know better
That path leads to destruction

Proof? Twisted perception of Reality or enhanced version of it?
Was I perceiving instant by instant or was I creating my own version.
Some less else.

So I ask to the company of the mes
What the little one perceived
Is the truth?
We all felt the same
It was fear and hate and contempt and pity.
We all felt the same.

So my advice, little one, is to build more walls
thicker and higher
and shutdown all the bridges
and allow them to build their walls
We've all we need inside to survive the siege.