May I make love to you?!
May I kiss your lips.
May I have this dance?
Look what I had done for dinner.
Are you ok my dear, how's your arm?
Come, let's rest.
Hey handsome, it's time to go to work.

K's commentary: I thought we had left behind the whole relationship affair.

I walked among ghosts.
Tonight I had felt as if I were walking among ghosts.
A witish cloud of gloomy and haunting figures leading my path.

End of dream one.

I dreamt of Blue tonight.
I begin thinking of his name as if a mantra it was.
And suddenly the air was full of him, of his particular odor.
The night erupted in his laughter, the darkness of the sky where his own eyes.
The reflection in the mirrors, the lights of the cars, the face of the people.
Blue was everywhere and I was in the middle of him.
Made love to a dream.
Touched his hair, kissed his lips, hold his body in my arms and hear him
sleep by my side.
I fell in love with him the day I hear him laugh.
But this, should him ever know?! friendship is everlasting, a crush last till the next.
Do I have a crush on him?
Nop, the feeling I had is pure, as pure as I ever felt by a man or woman.
A love of the soul, not the body.

K's commentary: The seahorse has found it's mate? Where there's a screen behind the mirror?!

When I'm laid on earth.
May my wrongs create
not trouble in thy breast.
Remember me, but, forget my fate.

1999, I was walking in the dawn, in the seashore.
Leontyne Price was singing "When I'm laid on earth" from "Dido and Eneas"
Wondering if I will live past 2000.

It's 2003, what had change, what have remained.

I

It's so quiet inwards.
The eye of the storm?
Not a single cloud as far as I can see.
Not even traces of K.
Emptyness.

Somehow I feel I had stopped the fall.
I spent all day when the children.
Could be that, somehow It healed me.

I called blue this morning.
I enjoy the deep of his voice.
Go to have a shower, I'm all covered in mud and dog's hair.

The children had discovered the pleasures of Ice.
And Sinuq loyal to her name's meaning it's the most devoted.

I'm worried about Yakone, she's not eating well and on height's
Sinuq is almost doubling her, and they were born at the same time.

Last night I had an awfull dream.
I was a whale swimning in and endless ocean.
Deeper and deeper.

End of dream one.

I was in the woods.
There was someone behind me.
He was taking pictures.
It was a game of sorts.


End of dream two.

I was the same one as in the dream of the woods.
But I was looking at pictures in a desk.
There were pictures of me.
And I was dead.

End of dream three.

The ocean again.
It's so full of sounds.

End of dreams.

So sad the sound of goodbye.
Slower than any drumbeat.
So sad the sound of goodbye.
Slower than any drumbeat.

So sad.

I went to the movies with Blue yesterday.
Block.
Felt so good being next to him.
He laughs in a strange way, as older people laugh.
But then, could be his background.
I'm always amazed when I hear him laughter, turn my head and watch him closely, that's why
It's always costly remembering his broad face, most of the time I'm watching him from aside, rather
than his full features.

Full features,
His almost my height, receding hairline, brown eyes, small lips, big nose.
and so dam hairy jajajaja. Couldn't see if he has a nice ass, I'm not
sure if the effect is real or just his trousers, God I'm having a hard on again.
Lately have one everytime I think of him.

God, I must be crazy.
I need sex, but I'm blocked out.
Even trying I can't keep him out of my head.

Just trying to approach someone in the bars makes me feel guilt,
What's going on?! could be a crush, or just the thrill of something is
not at my reach, love?!

Block.

Block.

K blocked again, RRRRR

Called blue this morning.
Why I did that?! because I'm an asshole.
Worst, I send him an email last night:


Hola!! seems the only way I would be able to reach you from now on is writting you emails, it's
a pitty both of us have such a busy life. I really enjoyed having you around. You are the first friend
I made in, mmm, about 2 years, most of my G "friends" are my ex's friends, so I don`t feel comfortable
hanging with them, besides, they usually in groups behave more like a flock of "birds" than the men they are, and well, for me that's a "No, No".

Well, I can wait till I have the chance to see you in person again, but, could be days before that,
and I wanted to tell you something, I really like you, you are a very special man, a fine boy, talking
about role models jajaja, I love your independence, I barely could handle the concept of being alone
when my relationship ended, since when I decided to go out and know someone and initiate a relationship, Love wasn't in my mind, it was just having someone to share with, and then love hits, and I'm in this maelstrom, then the betrayals, the jealousy, it was bad for sure, but I at least survived it, the gravity of love, as the song sings. I thought I won't seek a new partner after that, but, the void is only comparable to the void I felt after I stop going to church, it's almost as big.

Hey, thanks for sharing a part of your life with me, it's the first time I don't feel the pressure of hiting in someone, that was so weird, more since you are so damn cute, but at least the chit chat with you, the little events, for me it was very very special.

I realized, that feeling lonely is not a reason to sought a partner, and that exactly what I was doing till the moment I meet you, after all, there you are, you, your cat, your life, complete, I guess I have to learn to love myself a little more, not living in functiong of someone else. If you can, I can.

Tks for that Blue, te quiero mucho.


...



Fuck, All that words and the most important part
was the "Te quiero mucho" stuff.
I really needed to say him that, well, at least I wrote it. Hope he find time to read it.

Bene, T. wants me to return to him.
The path is getting narrower.
Someone should have written a book like "How to learn to love yourself in one week"

K's commentary: Seahorses are known to have a single partner for life.

Well, I had said I did ask the question to Blue.
And that his answer was a negative.
That way they will stop asking me about how it's going.

So far, I guess that would be his answer anyways.
"There's time" he said. Time.
I'm running against it, once K's shutdowns,
The only path would be back to T.
And I don't want to go back to him.
And I have to made a choice very soon.
The free fall had started, and there's no one worth to keep me alive this time.

Solitude,
There was a time I cherised it so much.
A big one is coming.
A lurking danger in the limits of my perception.
moving within, darkness within darkness, that seems more closer each time I dare to see inwards.
And I had started to fall.
I have been down for four weeks in a row.



This love
I think I'm gonna fall again
And even when you held my hand
It didn't mean a thing
This love


This love
Never has to say love
Doesn't know it is love
This love


This love
Doesn't have to say love
Doesn't need to be love
Doesn't mean a thing
This love

This love

I learned about life
from life itself,
love I learned in a single kiss
and could teach no one anything
except that I have lived

K's commentary: Feelings find its own form.

I don't know why but I'm feeling so sad
I long to try something I never had
Never had no kissin'
Oh, what I've been missin'
Lover man, oh, where can you be?

The night is cold and I'm so alone
I'd give my soul just to call you my own
Got a moon above me
But no one to love me
Lover man, oh, where can you be?

I've heard it said
That the thrill of romance
Can be like a heavenly dream

I go to bed with a prayer
That you'll make love to me
Strange as it seems

Someday we'll meet
And you'll dry all my tears
Then whisper sweet
Little things in my ear
Hugging and a-kissing
Oh, what I've been missing
Lover man, oh, where can you be?

T. tried to hit on L.
I wonder if my reaction should be laugh or despair.
How long before a friend of mine tells me he had get laid with T.
Why should I care,
Why I care.

I'm trying to focus.
But the only think I can see is darkness.
K has been very busy these days.
He's closing doors, shutting down gateways and windows.
He's isolating himself again.
Darkness seems to permeat everything.
Even the world colors seems more faded to my sight.
or it will be the winter?
It's rainning in there.
Everything is dark and cold.
like that night.
my clothes smell of smoke and the fire is gone.
Why I always seems to be living that night over and over?!

K's commentary: Consider the ever increasing amount of energy spent in concealing our true self from others and even sometimes from us, cutting off our connection to our own feelings selectively to always present the socially acceptable role beneath which we hide the shame of being a flawed self.

I had erased his phone twice in an hour.
Talking about indecision.
Ambivalence,
Used in the chemical sense of both valences to indicate that a verb can react with both a single argument and with two arguments.
Arguments,
To be, or not to.
To ask, or not to ask.
But do we know his answer?
Why is this man answer to an unquestioned question so important?!
People tend to think of everything in a sequential, word-oriented framework.
Would-you-allow-me-to-love-you?!

K's commentary: In his left arm there's a tattoo of a seahorse watching itself in a mirror. The reflection in the mirror is incomplete.

Turn around and smell what you don't see
Close your eyes ... it is so clear
Here's the mirror, behind there is a screen
On both ways you can get in

Don't think twice before you listen to your heart
Follow the trace for a new start

What you need and everything you'll feel
Is just a question of the deal
In the eye of storm you'll see a lonely dove
The experience of survival is the key
To the gravity of love

The path of excess leads to
The tower of Wisdom
The path of excess leads to
The tower of Wisdom

Try to think about it ...
That's the chance to live your life and discover
What it is, what's the gravity of love

Look around just people, can you hear their voice
Find the one who'll guide you to the limits of your choice

But if you're in the eye of storm
Just think of the lonely dove
The experience of survival is the key
To the gravity of love

Smell your skin
Feel your breath
You on my side
I couldn't resist

I hope I'll understand some day
What's the meaning of this crazy game
It is real and pure

T.N.T. for the brain

If there's no pain
Rules are still the same
I'm with you, just lead me
I'm ready to play

T.N.T. for the brain

Don't be scared and have no fear
I will show you what it means

If there's no pain
Rules are still the same
I'm with you, just lead me
I'm ready to play

T.N.T. for the brain

What you feel is insane
It is love and not a game
T.N.T. for the brain

So, let's hunt tonight.
Let's start the hunt again.
Such a sport should never have been stopped.

Rejection,

It's what I am?!
A hunter?!
I want steadiness, I want love, I want a family.

A hunter?!
Rejection.
Sometimes I cannot feel my face.
You'll never see me fall from grace.

Let's start the sport tonight.
That would make E. proud.
Let's forget there's love, there's something more
Let's remember that sweat, smell of sex and bodies in the night
tend to mend our broken heart.
tend to make us forget that we are alone.

Let's hunt tonight.
All the CODA wouldn't cover
the pain of being rejected tonight.
Only the contact of a body against us.
Only the sweat.
Only the rapture.
That will do, as always.
At least for a couple of hours.

Something is taking a part of me.

Two shades of blue.

Man you got my heart.

Well, R can't say I didn't tried.
What question, I didn't have the chance to ask.
Stop worrying about the wolves outside the fences, they may don't exist.
Worry about the one inside the fences.

Choice, Free choice.
The gardens of forked paths.
and this path looks so crumpy, so full of obstacles.
and I'm not sure the end of this path it's worth of it.
got that impression.

There lies the easy path.
The one that leads back to T.
To his wicked ways.

What I should do.
Billie didn't write a song about that.
she should.

Strange, feels like ... well, feels ... I don't know.
I talk to him today.
His voice had a soothing effect on my unquiet soul.
So much I reached flat line in no time.
And I'm still flat. Sometimes happy, mostly when I think of him, his eyes, his smile, his cat.
Sometime I wonder if I would .... well, that's not the point.
Marriage is legal in Canada, it's a pitty, want to marry me?! jajaja.
Crazy stuff.
It's good I guess, somehow I learnt from this event.
I well, so fine and mellow.
So here I am, trying to get drunk with orange juice
listening to Billie Holiday
whispering to my ears
"So fine, and mellooowwww"
I wonder, I admire this guy. Wish ... well.
"So fine, and mellowww"

It had to be youuuu
It had to be youuuuu
I wonder ...

I should stop listening Billie,
make wish I'm dancing cheek to cheek
with him.

Crazy stuff, I'm sure he's a good dancer.
once he get over all that "body contact" stuff jajaja.

Well, a truth: I want someone to dance Billie Holiday's songs.
Truth: I want to wake up in the middle of the night with someone by my side.
Lie: I want to be alone, it's my nature to be alone, I don't need anyone else to be complete.
Truth: I believe that lie.

It has to be youuu
Wonderfull youuu

Should stop listening Billie, for my own sanity :-)


I had decided to erase his phone number.
A and R want me to courtship him jajajaja
Courting, I hadn'd done that in eons.
Wonder, I never need it, I was the one object of interest.

Now, I'm just like anyone else.
Well, he seems to have reached all his goals.

I'm leaving for a love supreme.
All the places I have been trying to find a love supreme.

So, what he can wish in someone like me?!

The son of nobody.
Sold by a peasant father in a drought year.
My line is and old one but ends with me.

Bagoas, wonder
Where's the Persian boy book,
Couldn't find it.
When I feel alone enjoy reading it.
Wishing I could have the love that existed between Bagoas and Alexander.
But then
This is not Persia
500 BC
This is a latin third world country.
Between two seas
and two continents.
And I'm one in 2 million.
on the third floor of a three stories building
With a balcony to the street
To the people down there.
To the earth.
An incandescent lamp.
2 dogs.
There's nothing here
But what's here is mine
every me, and every you.

Sucker love.

The path to excess leads to the tower of wisdom.
K's commentary: As long as you can keep yourself alive enough to reach old age.

I'm tired, what I want to probe?!
What can be probed?!
nothing.
go and sleep.
Tomorrow the light will shine again.
I promised.

This weekend had mixed feelings.
Like a fresh ray of light Blue had come to my life.
Open, welcomed,I try to return the light he's giving to me.
T. called me on sunday to go to his father's day celebration.
I said I can't, and he went mad.
I'm no long part of that family.
I want to put distance between us.
Why then I feel so bad?!

I called Blue, well he's amazing
such a life cannot be absorbed in one night.
and I'm scared, no rhyme nor reason. no hit and run.
What are you hiding in those eyes?!
I feel bad, down.
Need to run and nowhere to go.