Renewing vows.

I was stranded in the middle of an acute state of irony.
But then, it wasn't my fault.
Once I manage to handle it correctly, it should go down the drain.
Goodbye M.

Saying goodbye to a shadow

I can understand the pain of C.
Unable to balance his ego against the fact that I won't see him again.
Neither I would let him take out what he feels in the inside.

So, I confront the same issues with M.
Deep inside I wished things could be different.
That somehow in some other world M. and I could be together.

But in this world.
Nothing is quite as it seems.

And I'm not the object of M.'s affections. As I wasn't the object of every other one I had fell in love with.


I'm seeing a trend here?!

Anyways, yep, I was down and writting a goodbye letter:

Dear M.:


I remember the first time I saw you. I can remember how I felt, I had forgot the music, I had forgot anyone else face, I even had forgot the day, but your face that night is the only constant I had.

Fast forward, everytime I saw you, I wonder who you were, later, when the possibility of a liasion between you and T. everything went throught the drain, and my admiration for you turned into pain.

Fast forward, that night in J's apartment, my ego sided against my will, and in our first time together, I was trying to shout my inner pain screaming "foul!" and focusing on you.

Fast forward, there were two great weeks, I loved you had let me share your life, let me learn how you lived, what's your routine, what do you like.

Everything seemed just perfect, too perfect in fact.

Fast forward, our first visit together to the sauna.

I remember the pain returning, the inner one looking at me from the dark deep of my mind, smiling sardonically: "you see, your outstanding human is just another T."

I could felt my heart break with every pounce I could hear you giving to that asshole guy.

A part of what I feel pretty about you went to the grave that night.

And even if I had tried to recover what was lost, you won't allow it, I couldn't risk.

Hope I would find one day the one that would take me to the limits of my choice.

And love's gravity would be so strong that I would got caught in the strong pull of Eros for never let it go.

Or die trying.

Because being Alone, is not an option. Is my curse.

I have been alone too long, my awareness is just a point of dust in an endless desert, I won't have that chance in eons to come, starts are never equal, initial conditions can never be duplicated. Life as it is, never is the same.


I love you, just hold me, I'm ready to play.

That words, hope, never would go out of my mouth to you.

I'm going to miss being with you, I know you won't ever read this so I would tell you, my dear, I wanted you not for the sex, you were as cold as a machine could be, I wanted you for that what surpass show, that inner light that I could see flickering everytime I spent time with you.

But, somethings are beyond our grasp.

And that light of you, is.

I love you M. That's what I have so much fear to tell you, that's what I have so much fear you could find in my eyes.

Goodbye my love.

I holded your hand in my memories all this years.
I got to hold yours phisically.
I even got to have you becoming one with me.
You always will have all of me.

From now on, I would have you only in my memories.
I would watch you as I watch every other one.
Throught the walls I had built to protect myself of people like you.

I will hold your hand through all these years.

I'll try hard to tell myself that you are gone.
And even as I feel you with me.
I still would be alone all along.

Hope you well.

Best regards,

K

B.

I meet B at the local sauna.

We started a very hot session in one of the main labyrinth cubicles.

I thought I won't see him again.

Then, in a local bar we saw each other.

The spark started inmediatly, grooping, touching, kissing, we were at a level of intimacy where we couldn't care less we were in a place full capacity.

Then we went to the movies, then to have a couple of drinks and B got hooked with a very slim and young pup. So, I went for the young pup and introduce it to B. The pup was 20 years old, very slim, not my type but B's type. We went to a motel and I enjoyed seeing B fucking him, then I fucked him too, seeing B pounding the guy got me that hot!

It's hard to describe him, so unique he's to my eyes.

Moody

B apologized.

Of laughter and forgetting II

I went to Bacchus yesterday. Meet C.
C. is from Colombia.
43 years old. very big built, husky type. Uber hairy, he has the looks of J.
We chatted for about an hour before we sit together in the same table.

There I was, with this piece of fine man.
Thinking in another man.
Our hands touched from time to time, accidentally of course: there I was playing with fire. His body was very close to mine. We laugh and talk and drink and watch the people dance and touch our bodies.

He had that way of watching you.
The way some men do. That made your body tingle, the reckoning of feeling
this is a life I want to be part of.

3:00am. Nothing was said indeed. Both of us just were playing straight. I started to feel dozed. He was talking with C. when I decided to leave. He smell strong of alcohol and tobacco and a fragance I couldn't identify, it was fruitty and with some musk, the tobacco just increased it. In my dozing haze I almost got my nose in his neck, when I realized I got very embarrased he turned to me, our faces where mere centimeters away, my lips started to grow, what I was thinking. I said "I sorry, I almost fall asleep over you. sorry, I'm leaving." he put his left hand over my right leg, just up of my crotch, it felt so big and possesive that my dick started to grow, he didn't took his hand away. "I'm going to see you again? I really enjoyed the company" he said. I gave him my phone number, his hand was still in my leg, I felt if I would try to rise from the sofa he won't allow it. So I stayed enjoying the feeling. Then he let it go. I gave him a handshake, idem to his brother and a kiss in the cheek to C. and her girlfriend.

He smiled at me and I smiled back, he winked. I smiled more.

Every one of the men in my life seemed to have befallen me. I'm the center of their attention for a brief time. Then I become something encased, stored away. Yearning but not touching. I want to be human, not a cult object to be reveered as a memory. And years after they came to me and said "Why it didn't work, you never wanted", yeah sure. I'm the one that never wants.


My mind always give me someone to talk too.

As the song sings.

Everytime I seem to fall in love: Crash Boom Bang.

Would what happened with M would pass with C. or whatever other I might find?

What's wrong? Why people can't understand me.

I'm not that odd.

I'm eight years old, I'm twelve years old, I'm an adolescent, I'm and adult. I'm a manic, I'm depressive, I'm smart and a fool, I'm innocent and wrote all the books on perversions, I'm near sainthood and evil is my second name. I'm the bastard first son no one talk about, I'm the first and the last. I'm the bearer of all things, I'm the one that found enlightment and skipped it away. I'm a man and less than one. I'm human but longer ascended. I'm just a bunch of flesh, blood and visceras. I'm an animal, I'm conscious. I'm aware. I'm K.

Of Laughter and Forgetting

Yesterday.

I went to have dinner at M's place.
We watched a movie.
He didn't make any try to touch me.
So close so far.

I remember my first post about M.

Some things are beyond my grasp.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being with M.

After that dubious interdule between M and I where he said he no longer trusted me and no longer wanted to be sexually involved with me my feelings were mixed. Was he kidding, was he serious.

He said he was serious. And I respected that. Deep inside I felt cheated. Like another rejection of T. And my mind started to double think. It was the truth? or he just got bored and wanted to part ways.

I'm at loss.

That evening I went to the sauna with him.

I was happy of seeing him there, and I tought that the beforehand conversation was forgotten.
Then he got lost. I found him. In a dark room. I heard the moans only his manhood can induce. My heart started to break, as the day R took me to A's home. As the day I saw T going out of that private room. He was there, a wall away, having his pleasure granted for other man, and other man having his pleasure of him. And I, having none. I sat for a while in the darkness. As the moaning grew louder, a couple of tears, loneliness, heartbroken I went out, there, in the midst of the dark corridor, the moans as my ilussions started to go away.

Ironically the went out before I could go away and he found me at the hall. He stayed and then introduced me to the guy he was fucking so dearly, I tried to conceal the rage, the pain and the cinism characteristic of all my lovers and assumed an uneasy face of concord. We chatted for a while, the guy, a little pecker, very well built, but unequivocally of low origins sharing with us some of his background. From time to time my eyes wandered to him, and everytime I saw him the pain grew, so I forced myself to fix my vision on the little guy.

It was too harsh to stay with him. I didn't want to. I thought he would realize I was in suffering. So I took my way and went to search for my own share of flesh.

There was nothing worth that night.

A young man who freely offered me his ass to be puckered and I delightly took.

After that I heard M talking with someone, guess he found something interesting, I had to force myself to restrain the tears.

We went to eat. He said once that I was getting involved.

Me?! I said. Nooo. (Well M, yes, I thought you were, you know, different. Your open mind just reach as far as your own interests)

I couldn't take the sadness out of me. I've sad all this days. I miss him. I don't want to be with other man, only with him. And he accusses me of hiding something. What a jerk. Sure I hide something. Something I know he doesn't want to know. I'm falling in love with him. I'm at loss.