Morning Pages I

I just came back from a night of fun. Define fun. Enough things are going on in my life that a normal human would be worried about but I'm not. I got sad when they cancelled the B project. I understand that if I hadn't been so stupid stubborn with the current issues at hand I would have finished long time ago instead of keeping exactly the right hours. That was stupid and showed to me a lack of maturity.

I gave him my cellphone number and write on a paper I wanted to befriend him, because I felt I should. I'm not sure how he's going to take it, maybe he just droped it. But at least I talked with him. I know he's a good person because the people I see around here looks like good people when you take out all the superficial masks they use to protect themselves. He looked so diferent without the beard.

I wanted to write B, but I'm not sure, I guess he's seeing someone else, the ring points to it, and then the sudden trip around the world. It's ok I thing. He wasn't going to wait forever. What I'm wondering is, why I didn't acted before. I thing I thought I wasn't enough for him.

I only wanna feel real love, that's a part of a chorus in a Robbie Williams song I'm liking a lot. I'm hearing it right now. I feel so much like the song. And at the same time so strange to it.

I'm wondering from where he picks his lyrics or if someone else does, I wish I could meet him.

The pool's water was cool, I went down a little, trying to relax.

Fear, that word kicks a feeling under my neck. It's ansiety? I'm not sure I wish I could face it and make it dissapear. However it makes me feel vulnerable, that's it. It is the vulnerability the thing I'm fearing?! Could be.

R was there, he couldn't get the second pack, I'm wondering why?

I want to feel the home I'm living in...

Cause I got too much love, running trought my veins, I don't wanna die but I'm keen on living either.

I spoke with M today, I think he's seeing someone else. It's ok. The role that was assigned to him was fullfilled.

I just wanna feel real love.

That's a lie, I don't wanna feel love, I feel I don't deserve it. I just wanna ignore it, pretend is not there.

Adrift,

That's the word I've been using lately. My boss hasn't paid a lot of the mortgage payments. They are charging very high interests. That's something I should be scared of.

The ULAT should be finishing its semester.

There's the angst again. I'm going to try to snort a little white stuff so I can keep recording what comes to my mind.

Come on, hold my hand

I want to see Jessie again, he's a memory of good times.

What's going on with me. I'm not sure I understand.

D, she would do a nice girlfriend. Should I?

I'm going for that Snort now...

M, he has been a good influence.

I talked with C today, we spoke about Spain. I want to go there. He told me that was a country so big I won't have time to know it all and I'll wish to do so.

I'm happy, I realize I'm lost, I realize I don't know what my near future is going to be, I'm being not proactive, I'm letting things happens, of course, based on my feelings, that the right stuff is going to happen or the bad stuff but everything would give me a lesson I need to learn, why, I'm not sure. The lotus flower blossoming in my chest maybe. I wish that hadn't be just a delusion, but the truth.

Numb...

I wanted him so badly. Why? And anyways, what got inside my brother's mind? He was fuck minded without weighting the consequences.

What a bad trip.

My K...

I wish someone could wake him up, shake him up.
I need to stop him, I don't know how.

How long before everything cames crashing down on him.
Who's gonna save him. Who's gonna save us all.

Down that path is destruction. Down that path is pain. Down that path is a road that will lead us to death, to everything we had worked so hard to avoid.

In what moment we took the wrong turn, we don't know.

When we reacted was too late, we were already in it.

And K is gone.

The last time we checked, the Lotus was blooming. The golden path was in front of us in all full glory. What happened?

The slow death...

I'm still awake.
Trying to cope at the same time to complete my work.
My heart is beating so fast, it grows fear of dying and that fear makes it worse.

If I could understand that the source of that fear is not me but the fear to an unknown variable, is the fear of the emotions I can't control.

It has been worth?

The doubts, the second thoughts, the chit chat, the silences, the eyes that won't see yours.

I has been worth?

What I won, what I lost? I lost nothing since I had nothing.

But I had lost the few things I owned.

My personae, my identity in front of others.

Thanks T, very much.

I guess my blood pressure must be sky high, or is just fear.

Who knows.

I'm afraid and alone.

I don't dare to drill down into the web of lies that T built around me.

Only that yesterday's event proven everything I though was happening on my back was true.

Was him trying to take A away so I could pick her up? In the moment I arrived? or they were just going to the park? Why he wanted to hurt me? Why I did to him besides being stupidly in love?

I wish at least I could know he's feeling regrets, but pretty sure he's fucking with A now. How I could fell in love with such a monster?

I was so naive, thinking I could win a fight I already lost.