He really make my day brighter
would he be the one to guide you to the limits of your choice?
Survival is the key, to the gravity of love.
T advantages:
-Our love for him is very strong
-He cares about us, when he's not mad at us off course, about every trivial thing.
-He cares if I'm hungry, he cares if I'm sick, he cares if I need him.
-I'm most patient
-I feel loved, protected, secure
-I feel I'm part of something
T disadvantages:
-Afraid of his sexual activities
-He don't find us atractive at all
-He has to think "very deep" to find out "the things we LIVED (note the past tense) were pretty"
-He despised me looking at him
-He despise me telling him I love him.
-He don't hugh me anymore and sleeps seeing the other side.
-He sits apart from me
-He kepts his lips closed when we kiss, or sometimes just turn the cheek at the last moment.
-Sometimes I feel he hates me
-He enjoys being with others that being with me
-He had called me his cross.

Well, about the last events.
On friday our lover told us he no longer feels atracted to us ( see the note about him telling "when he thinks deep ...")
K rationalized this as "he no longer love us because his dick can't get full of blood")
R remember, it's a curse?!
jajaja
now, how do we feel?
Sad
Deeply sad, he's the object of my affection but I'm not his, it's hard.
It's over, that's was the general consensus
Feeling sad right now, mourning, is like mourning a death
what if, what if, and eternal chain of what if ...
can we return? can we go back in time? can we fix what was undone?
should we fight or give up for good?
I don't want to lost him, I'm scared of the thought
as Carlos said, you are living your life as a function of him, every sentence you say starts with his name.
there's no longer K, just T this, T that
Emotional dependence, child regression
The terrible childish scare of being left alone in this world.
but then, we are not alone
my soul is
he was mean to be our soul mate
but he wasn't
why? first stage, blame, we are going to start blame ourselves.
because of this, because of that,
the we'll start to blame him
there's no one to blame
I feel human for the first time in many eons
I know
The hurt is so good
we were accustomed to feel pain without a cause, being sad without a cause
now we have a cause
we are in love, an our heart is broken, and all that hurt and pain an sad is so ours, makes me feel so alive, it's wonderful the human heart
And this shall to pass, say the holy bible
God sended us a new friend
I want to believe so,
he really had never leave us alone for too much
but then, it's awfull
it's affecting my life, must took the harness again
you told me you loved me
you told me I was your family
you told me you will fight to love me again as you used to do
now you told me it's over
now you told me you no longer love me
now you told me I'm like an old shoe you don't want to leave behind
And I believed you,
And now I have to see my castle in the clouds fall by
And now I have to see my future reshaped
my world of dreams shattered
my goals distorted
there's no life without you
but then I had lived a whole life by myself alone
and I have to lear to mend by myself again
I have to learn to rediscover myself, to take in account what you gave me
what I had learned and keep going
because as the song says, my heart will go on.
without you in it
Wish if could be different
wish you love me as much as I do
wish you don't need another mouths, another bodies to feel complete
because I'm complete when I'm with you.
I'm complete with I'm with you.
Why I can give up?!! why?
When you call me, everything is ok
but when you don't the world is so dark.
I must learn to be by myself
I must learn to go on
but all I see is you

Love is a temple
Love is a temple
love, higher love
you ask me to enter
then you make me crawl
to what you got
and all you have is hurt

One of the very best songs from U2 - like a flow with a sad mood. Allthough the whole Zooropa-tour is about consciousness of the media/political culture, I think the most songs from the album are rather personal, strongly influenced by separations - the Edge and other friends - and the topic is about love, that goes together with cruel, blindness, wawes of joy, wawes of regret. About the love that is the only important thing in life and yet it hurts, you cannot live it out without hurting the one you love. One is a song from a person, who cannot hold on to his lover anymore. Love has left. And he reflects her thoughts about it giving him the blame, and he defends himself asking a lot. But conclusion is that there is only hurt left, and therefore he has to separate. But the song gets the strength from the strong feeling of the longing to be one, without being the same. There is this longing like an ideal, like a vision to live in one love, one blood, one need, the vision of the tensions to be overcome, when we carry each other. So sadness with anger and selfdefence go together with a longing, a vision. Thereby you feel the depth of the pain and you see the hard work you have to do yourself to care for your own love. And to the visionary part, Bono remembers, I think, Jesus telling his disciples, that they have to be One, like he is to his Father. (Joergen Lasgaard lasgaard@vip.cybercity.dk [1998 - 12 - 04])

Do you think well' traverse this path again?
I wish
word that promised everything
and gave nothing
words to my ears, a kiss and a touch
those are words to die for
words to sleep by protected inside a heart
hope to travers this path again.

Wooff!!
woooooooffff!!!
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooofffff!!!
enough
guess I'm going to love beisbol
jajaja
yep
Jessica?!! I don't know
let's hear her comments
do you think she .. ??
She's not stupid
woooooooooofffff!!!!
woooffff!!
jajajajaja
regrets?
no regrets!
jajajajajajajajaja

WOOF!!!
W O O O F F!!!!
W O O O O O O O OO O O FFFFF!!!!!

Well thinking of it better, the guys thinks that
the relationship of T with the fucking bitch or
whatever he chooses is good.

Why is good?

DISTRACTION

if he's distracted, he's not upon us

so,

WE ARE FREE TO DO WHATEVER WE WANT

and nowadays that's a lot of sex.

badly for us, still there's a moral barrier (human hearts ufff!!!), the first one
doesn't want, dam and we have such good fucks waiting!!!! (R,R,A ,J, C,C.....)

but we are working in bringing it down, ahhh T, ahuevate and we will take care that
the first one don't thing again of you in his all fucking life, I'm really tired of acting the "pendejo" role.

Well, after I finished work, T came for me, don't know what the word
in english is, but, seems he was at a place where a dog was, but he
didn't tell it was the fucking bitch or another one new, think it's the fucking
bitch since it's the only plausible thing, he lied again, and when I tried
to push he started his "I'm angry" routine, he's so fucking predictable, I hate
him for doing that, amazing the values of a person that can lie so easily.

Well, J called me, that brightened my day, R too, talked almost an hour with
each of them, felt better. Seems that the fucking bitch (hope he dies soooooooon),
wants T to go with him to Colombia, all inclusive, (fucking bitch!), and what's awfull
is that T find nothing bad on that, also he told me that when he thinks deep on me
(traduce: he doesn't thing of me all the time, only in certain ocassions and when we
wants to do it, bitch!!) he's glad of what we have (ja, I can be glad of having a friend,
I can be glad of having an affair, fucking asshole!!!), what we have jajaja, I thought:
"well baby, what we have, we don't fuck, we don't sleep together, we don't speak our minds,
we don't do things together, you just comply with being sort of a chauffer, cooker, and mindless
company, guess all the talk you do with the fucking bitch (repeat, hope he dies soooooon, are you
hearing dad?!!).
God, I'm pissed off!

Well, let's be truth to ourselves,
The first one really loves this man
yes, we know, but he doesn't talk too much, just weeps by the fire
It's awfull to lose everything you love again and again
yep, it's awfull
well, we can fight against a all inclusive trip to colombia
Remember Ruben?
yep, same stuff, all the men we fall in love are the same?!!
seems so
they care all about the money, the position, ufff :-(
we don't have money, nor position, nor conections, do we have something worth? jajajaja
only ourselves
yep only ourselves, and him, the one who weeps
we are the only thing he owns
must be really sad to be him
we are part of him
but not him
he doesn't allow us to reach him
someone here remembers the last time he talked to us?
a long time ago
he's turning into a shell again
maybe that's for better
here were are, trapped like the sailors in the flying dutchman
trapped inside his mind
and him trapped inside himself
sometimes I weep for us
we are here because he created us
do you think?
the old one theorizes that we came into being after a major breakdown
he, himself his first memories are from the fire, we waked up and there was the fire, and he didn't knew whatever happened
we don't share our memories, the third one lived his adolescence ignoring the existence of the first one, even the one who weeps
until the crack
yes the crack
then we all came to see each other at the circle
he created us, I'm sure of it, he knows us from our true names
is he sentient that he spawned us?
how nico came to being?
I woke up one day, and I was nico, and I must protect the one who weeps, that's all I knew at that time
and you need sex jajaja
yep, I needed a lot of sex
we are so lonely and the circle nowadays is so dark we can't see far beyond the grieve fields
even the grieve fields have growing colder
the open space and the howlers are quiet
it's like the end of the universe
we shall recove control
who's in control anyway, it's like this mind is in automatic
we can see what's happening but we cannot longer take course of action
maybe it's a new one?
but why we can see him? why he don't talk with us?!!
maybe is the one who weeps?
no, he hasn't moved in a while, he's frozen
who's in charge then?

The bitch called "Lyn" aka Franklin yesterday night.
Fuck them both, if they are so fucking compatible
why they won't stay together instead of giving me a fucking headache.
Jajajajaja
Man, I almost believed that burst of rage.
Remember, the time he's distracted in his stuff
It's the time he isn't watching us jajajajaja
jajajajaja
jajaja
Poor asshole
but he hinted
that our laughs were us remembering our escapades
what a falsehood!!!!
when we laugh is ourselves remembering all those special moments
whe share
jajajajaja
jajaja
jajaja

Two partners in a car
silence is the only sound
Why I'm pissed off
Why he's pissed off

Two partners in a car
memories of green
Why I'm so pissed off
Why he's so pissed off

Two partners in a bed
distance is the only closeness
Why I'm so pissed off
Why he's so pissed off

Life is strange.
Mind is strange.
One mind can raise over troubled waters or fell into the dark.
I'm falling into the dark.
About an issue that at the moment it happened wasn't of much trouble.
A lie
of Teddy.
Anoter lie among lies
I should be accustomed may you feel tempted to say.
but, I had discover, no matter how cold I try to see it,
the inner one still wants to have fait.
and when it's broken
God help us all.
I'm falling into the darkness
everything looks dark, and sad
my eyes wanted to cry, my heart ...
oh, my heart
could it hurt more than this?!
it feel broken, I can feel the pieces over my chest, down my guts
is so sad there
feels like my chest is full of knives, killing me
could it hurt more than this?!
Teddy, wish you could feel what your behaviour causes,
it must feel so good been loved as I love you,
wish I could find someone that loves me as much as I do
you say you did,
I don't believe so,
because, even in those times, you lied, you sleept with others,
that's not love
that's not love
God, I'm feeling so bad, so bad, so bad, so bad
about an issue so, worthless
a lie, among other lies
a lie, after he promised to say truth
what difference can do a lie, maybe he thinks
God, I'm feeling so bad.

Well, remember that thought about the wallet over the condoms the day before yesterday?
There were three condoms past week, today when we went to sleep, there were only two.
And he said I was the only one, ??
He blamed J, I wonder why J would take one instead of two, knowing J have a box at home.
Mentiras, mi vida, nuestro pan de cada d�a.

That's the tragic comedy of life.
He enjoys to play peter and the wolf.
how to believe when one can't discern truths from lies.
my intuition says aloud, he's lying.
that, he doesn't understand.

mmmm, te voy a escribir la canci�n m�s bonita del mundo ...

Had you noted
yep
whay it hasn't affected us?
wonder why? guess we are past that level, we no longer care
we think? we got depressed yesterday.
down
remember
yep
why
he called him
who
that bitch
why he keep talking with him if he knows it hurts me
he is selfish, his pleasure is first, secondary the others
remember
he went out to talk
why? why don't talk in front of me
maybe there were personals things to say, like "I love you Franklin" or "Don't worry, I would get rid of him soon, I'm taking him home"
jajajaja, that was funny
see, it no longer cares the thought he's playing with us
I wonder
are we cured of this love?
could it be?!
mmm, I wonder
strange
what
in two days he had returned to the old ways, "remember this ... , remember that ..." and those of shots comentaries!!!!
yep, I became suspicious
why he's repeating the pattern?!!
he said "waiting for you to send me away" and then when I said "Fuck you" he hinted "that's what you want" cinically
why he's repeating the pattern?!!!
he called early this morning, and told us to call him for lunch.
Why he's repeating the pattern?!!
we need some Zen here.
Why you took his cap?
I'm suspicious about the source.
maybe it was a gift?
most probably and from someone he really likes he litterally won't take it off.
wonder why!
what we should do?
we are diverging
the goal is the tao, nothing else matters, return to the tao.
he's right, we should not go back, we are cured from love, we should not trust in him again.
let's see how everything goes
today is piccotto
I bet he won't go, or at least he would find an excuse to leave early.
do you think?
should we bet?
jajajaja
well, we should Zen a lot, I foresee crisis coming.
what about the pic? should we burn it?
do you wanted it?
not
any one of you?
nop
and if he ask for it
tell him is at home
mm, let's wait
I don't want you to carry that in your wallet
don't be a pussy
it only brings bad memoirs.
I hate him so much.

Are you going to Scarborough fair?
Parsley, basil, rosmery and thyme.
Remember me to one who leaves there.
She was once a true love of mine.

About the impossibilites of love.

Seems to love is not enough.

Cheaper love.

Why I let you lure me.

Equilibrium
We must reach equilibrium
Avoid the light
Avoid emotions
Avoid humanity
Avoid God
Avoid the light
The darkness of our soul
The emptyness of our mind crevices
We are empty
And we are full
of shit
The sun is coming
Avoid the light
don't let the light touch you
run
The sun is coming
I'm in a dark prison
the ground is moist and cold
the iron bars are rusted
everything is black
there's no light
in the far away the sound of a bell can be heard


Deliver me, from all the sadness.
All of my life, I'll been in hiding.
Wishing there were someone just like you.
now that you are here,
now that I had found you.

I losted you.
Can you understand why I feel so alone.
and seems all is my fault.

Don't cry
Cry is not good
join your fingers
blank your mind
you are the air in your lungs
you are a molecule in the air in your lungs
you are an atom in the molecule in the air in your lungs
that's it
you see,
mind is hurt
mind is in pain
but that's your mind and your mind is not you.
you are not
that's what Zen is about.

I'm down.
He said something like " well, I saw this movie, and there was a couple that enjoyed sex
a lot but always were having an argue and they solved bringing a third one in the relationship"
I thought, very sad of course, "at least they enjoyed sex together..."
I'm down
Sonriendo como cada vez, como aquella vez
Te voy a escribir la canci�n m�s bonita del mundo
Voy a contar nuestra historia en tan s�lo un segundo
y ver�s que este loco de poco se olvida
I'm down
I don't want that kind of relationship, but who's?
to understand how many people I am.
one of us doesn't want that relationship, because the original was taken aback everything he thought he owned.
we own nothing, says a clever one.
that's what Zen is about,
but he weeps,
he's sad
and I can't do anything to protect him, me, the one who protects, can do aything, just sit and let the rage build up.
El d�a de la despedida
en la playa de mi vida
te hice una promesa
m�s de 50 veranos
hace hoy que no nos vemos
tu, ni el mar, ni el cielo, ni quien me trajo a ti.
Si pudiera volver a nacer
pediria cada dia amanecer
sonriendo como cada vez
como aquella vez
Te voy a escribir la canci�n m�s bonita del mundo
Por mucho que pasen los a�os de largo en tu vida.

Today he gave me a picture of him.
It was good, but the message was more sort of an introduction.
Thanks God I didn't go yesterday night in that path of thought.

What about the others
yep, we have the others
what about them
no way, there's no way, we had to keep the cool, the goal is primordial
don't feel in love
all is full of love
all around you
all is full of love
you just ain't receiving
your phone is off the hook
your doors are all shut up.
All is full of love
Aaaaallllll is fulll of looooooveeeee
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllll

Bjork
Wish that song were true.
I'm sad
I'm down
I'm 29 years old.
I'm old
And I'm alone.

It's not fair.
But this world completed it's turn.
And now you are the one to lose.
Babe, I cried you a river.
Babe, I cried to waste.
You are heartless
I won't love you anymore.
I cried you a river
Now you cry for me a sea.

Yesterday it was so wonderfull, we sleept together, we cuddle, we eat together,
it was so cool. But ...

And there's always a but jajaja.:

The MF of T is still chatting.
The MF of F still calling him every fucking day.
The MF of T didn�t want me to touch him, yes, there, ok I'm weak ok!! well I swear I won't insist any more!

beside that it was a fine day.

BTW, that night when T took me home, I mentioned I enjoyed smelling him why he was asleep,
he told me he used to do so (the MF!!!), but then, he said we shall recover the lost time (??? Oh myyyyy!!!)


We had acomplished a lot till know, but still is not the time, our goal still not in sight, keep your friends closer
and your enemies more closer.

Wonder if T realize by his behaviour with K, he's our most hated enemy.

T and I are going to eat, I have to work all evening.
Tonight is the DjPapas event, he's going with guess who??!
yep, that f. bitch.
Well hope he has fun, without me, again. I'm seeing a pattern here.
Well, that's all, I'll post more on this later.

Zen teachings are proving being very usefull.