I have made a captive of myself
and put me into a dungeon,
and now I cannot find the key
to let myself out.
Hawthorne.

Seems depression is as old as mankind.

Well, guess what? I'm depress.
Free falling is a better description.
It started this morning.
I had no way to go to work from T.'s home, I only had .25
So, I wake T. up, and in bad mood he gave me a ride to work.

Nothing usual except that all these days T. seems growing uncomfortably
with my lack of $$$ and my dependence on him. Remembering also the out
of the blue comment about how "my way of life has improved".

Also, T who was so untrusty about me staying late at the office now seems to wish
I would. now life is ironic.

Also he talks about the future as I wouldn't be there.

guess that's the awfull part.

I have secluded myself
from society;
and yet I never meant
any such thing.
I have made a captive of myself
and put me into a dungeon,
and now I cannot find the key
to let myself out.

NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE

If you could see what I see when my eyes are closed,
and the inner eye is looking to itself.
you would see the rain falling.

I'm alone, miles away from any human being, and the rain still falls.

He went to the sauna again, strange thing is that I didn't feel bad ( see the other Journal por comments about this)
I was happy of seeing him, talking him and touching him again.
There were two condoms in his room, not the ones they gave out at the sauna, the ones that
you buy at the local store, only two, but there's no longer sorrow, or the angst of doubting, no more,
why is that?! (see the other journal for comments about this).

Last night something strange happened, I'm not sure if it was a dream, he was playful, and for a while
he let me hugh him and sleep by his side, I feel so good, so safe, so sure.

This morning there was for me a boxer, a jeans and a pair of socks, a long time ago he didn't care about that,
I silently thanked him and gave him a kiss, I miss the old T so much, so much I weep
as I weeping right now (see the other journal for a extension on this).

I'm still analyzing our last conversation, I imagen there must be a great lot of doubts in his mind,
he pursues youth, and I'm no longer young :-(

Only death can cure me from this curse, only death, I dreamt off again of walking into the sea, the waves opening
under my feet to let me pass, deep into the bottom of the sea, and then the towering towers of water downpouring
over me in slow motion and my self disolving in the salt water (For commentaries check the other journal).

He was very kind yesterday, but the only see I could see was blackness
visions of my crumbled world, an he as the sole cause.
He asked me what was going on but how can I tell? how can I explain to him what's going in my mind?!.
Then his "friend" was at gil's, that really pissed me off, wonder if they talk before hand and he knew
he was going to be there, probably.

Funny thing.
My deduction was right.
It was an excuse for him to go out with his friends.
If I could predict lottery as I can predict him I would be rich by now.
I'm sure he tell so to hurt, because he was pissed off I was so apathic.
so childish, why he can't understand one can be having a bad day and it has nothing to do with him?!!
No remorse, not a single hint of "sorry for lying", I wonder if he knows lying is bad, maybe it's pathological in him, like those
people that cannot keep from stealing things.
And I was thinking he was peacefully sleeping, what a fool!!! So he said he did behave, but then
peter and the wolf, how to believe in a lier?!! when you can now he's saying the truth and when he's telling a lie?
and as the song sings, " a men can tell a thousand lies" or more accurately "Mentiras, mi vida, nuestro pan de cada d�a..."

We talked later, seems he's not sure of our relationship, not sure I'm the one, his elations where sort of "well, see how bad ..." but then
he didn't finished the statement as my senses seems to tell me he wanted, he just diverged to "keep trying"
I wonder, he must thinking I'm the one in probation, and he's the one that is being submitted to a probe. The
fiercest probe I had ever submitted a human to, a he's failing so misserably, it's a pitty, I really liked this one.
Well, just one month more to go, if I can't make him correct his ways, guess is good bye.

My whole world is falling
Everything crumbles.
There's no sun or clouds in the sky, just darkness.
I'm stood here
looking as all around me earth opens infinite pits into oblivion
how much time before the piece of earth where I stood crumbles to those black seas
how much time before my self starts to crumble too
it such a sorrow sight
but, then
so beautiful in it's tragedy
We only sit here and watch
We only sit here and wait
We only sit here

His room was unshelved, no blankets, he had take them to wash,
on the bathroom, there were an extra toothbrush, he said it was because
he couldn't find the one he uses, but, there were rests of toothpaste on it, and
he's very picky about that, he never left traces of toothpaste on his toothbrushes,
as soon as he waked up he left, when I called him he didn't tell me where he went,
jealousy is such a living hell.
Yesterday he returned with his ol tune, "you didn't .. or you did..", I'm sicked of that
I want to cry out loud to him: "shut up, you cheated, you betrayed the trust I had upon you,
you broke my heart and the commitment we promise to have to each other, you still cheat
and came to me throwing to my face such senseless shit!!,I wonder what is your definition
of principles, lies, they come so natural to you, seems you don't think is nothing
wrong with lying!!! and I'm deceptioned you can't manage to correct that at the same
time you demand I correct what you call my incorrect social behaviour!!! "
Yesterday he wanted to stay alone at his home, My friends are right it would be better for
my healing process to stay away of him as much as I can. I must realize I love him, and
that maybe his love is real too, but he's not going to change anytime soon, and that only
would make me hate him, it's probably he'll never change, soon, my dream of spending the
rest of my life with him is not so feasible, how can I live with someone that cannot commit
someone incapable of empathy, a grown up child that doesn't want to grow old. I'm sad when
I realize that, very sad.

I finally managed to talk with T.
He seemed fine, he drinked too much he said.
But gave no reason why he left his home in such a hurry.
To take someone home? I'm slipping again.
So many doubts, so much lack of trust.
Why is so hard to trust him.
Based in experience, I know why.
I'm still going down.

I tried to call T all morning and most of the evening to not avail.
I'm afraid because I known not the reason.
My mind had started to slip away.
It's T with somebody locked in his room?
It's hurt? dead?
It's just a way to hurt me more? to see how much I beg?
or it's ending with me, no reason, no avail, not a single word, no goodbye?
Not knowing is such a hell.
I'm going down.