Exercises in depression

I'm kind of introspect these days.


I went to R to have some beers, I shouldn't have. K was there and he ignored me most of the time, later he tried to hook up but I was too pissed of because his early attitude I went cold myself. He left pissed off a bit later.

I went down from there. Went to S, same people trying to be happy, shinny and normal, too much humans for my own good, I left after 20 minutes, couldn't stand the straight stench.

So I went back home, to my dogs, to myself, I went to sleep while the 5-htp started to keep the crave at bay, reciting the usual mantra: "Straight people is our enemy"

Sinking in

It started to sink the meaning and consequences of mom's words. I won't be able to be open with her, I'll be forced to lie and to keep her away in order to protect her from the "truth" whatever the truth is.

I feel so lonely today.

Maelstrom

It was a though weekend, having to discusse with mother in front of my aunts about her view on gay people, guess the whole issue is about her doubts about me, planted probably by people close to her or wishing to hurt her or wishing to "help", as if this could be "spirited away" by a mother's censorship. This is not like smoking or drinking, this is about identity and one cannot deny a part of itself without self-destructing. Is that what mother wants? for me to self-destruct so she could have that "peace" of mind about people "talking".

And I'm still unsure what I want, half o me leans towards women, half leans toward men, without a reason I can't sustain or judge.

It also brought memories about the people that had hurted K, I felt rage, but then subsized, K forgave them, I must respect his wishes. There's no game on imagen that, just pain, compassion is the only way to sort the pain out, to find a meaning and what would be a useless joke of reality.

K only loves K, or I should say that M loves M more the M loves K

Mom said she would kill herself if she learns the "truth" about me, that's ironic, knowing how unstable the "truth" can be.

I wish I could depart with all that, isolate myself in the inner world or at least find a way to severe my link with the one I'm inhabitting.

There are no easy answers, nor easy solutions.

I feel lost.