The path of excess leads to the tower of wisdom.

Excess.

I wonder if I'm in a path of self-destruction instead.

I'm rather introspective.
And my sexual drive is sky high.
Seems I can't have enough sex.

Delusion.

Faces and Faces and Faces
bodies and bodies and more bodies.
Kissing some stranger lips.
Telling falses "I love you"s.
Gods, I need so much to feel loved, I'm scared of such hunger.

Men.

Every men I had had in my bed this weekend.
Looking them looking me with apprension, with desire, with lust.
The head of my dick pushing against their holes.
Their hairy legs against my shoulders, I love that sensation.
Who I'm loving then?

Love.

To whom I'm making love.
To these men, don't.
I'm just fucking them, pretending I love them, pretending they love me back.

The one.

Who's the one I try to see when I close my eyes near rapture.
Who's the one whose name I don't know but I tried to cry while I fuck.
Who's the one, for whom, these men, are just meat to use as a substitute.
Who's the one I can't find in these men bodies, in these men minds.
I'm afraid, may I never know.

Hyde Effect.

Sometimes I miss being Jekyll. Sometimes I miss being Hyde.
Seem nowadays, I'm just a mix of both.

4:00am I just waked up.
Got into the chat.
Meet this guy.
Colombian, 34 years old. Closet.
He picked me up and we went for a ride around the city
While speaking about us.
two hours later, after very intense sex, he's sleeping by my side.
I always seem to wonder about a male sleeping by my side.
I can't sleep.
I watch
I hear
I enjoy
I putted my head in his left arm
And my left arm over his hairy chest.
His heart was beating slowly
He turned on and put his arm around me
his legs crossing with mine
and I let myself sleep.

Well, Talked with L
G was at El Valle
At least I know it's still alive.

I couldn't meditate on that pseudo-relationship I'm having.
Mom arrived from Chiriqui, The bank freezed my diary account by mystake and after thawing it
they forgot to activate the debit card !!! RRRR, I'm mad about that assholes.

Well, returning to G, I throw away everything that he gave me.
Erase phone numbers, emails, pictures.
Standard procedure.
God, I'm really hurt.
But then.

And I bet he will call monday morning "Hola mi cielo, c�mo estas"
I hope not to be so an asshole to fall in his game again.

Well, this morning I behaved bad:

It was a car mechanic, I had never fucked a mechanic jajaja, very handsome face, darker than me,
honey coloured eyes, well built, like those mechanics that appears in male fantasies pictures.

We petted in the bed with our jeans still on that was sooooo erotic and he was very manly wow
after that he drip some beer in my chest and started to lick my nipples wooff, and I thought I was hot
this guy was hotter than me, hotter than, well, nobody can be hotter that R. jajajaa, he's the Devil himself.

But, what a pitty, the guy was bottom, but I really enjoyed eating that ass, bery big and hard, duck type.
He requested me to came over his chest, but rather I sprayed my cum all over his beautiful ass.

Standard procedure. He asked me to call him again, but, well, in bed is cool, but, nope, well, maybe.


I'm still horny :-(

Why on hell I had to fall in love with the wrong man again, when I will learn. I miss G.

Taked with G today.
At least he's calling often, but we hadn't a chance to see each other.

I'm sort of down
Yesterday I went to Deep Room
And for the first time I felt what's being discriminated by your sexual orientation.
As I used to said, Straight people it's our enemy.
They can hang around with you, they even can be your friend.
But in their heart of hearts, they despise that you are different.

Me, being stealth among their lines, an "alien" among them.
Watching how they despise my "kind"
I got down. The bad feeling stayed with me all the day.

I should never open up to them.
The closet is more safer, they hadn't change a bit, as I could saw yesterday night.

God, I feel so weird, as If I had done something wrong for being what I am.

I behaved like them, betraying my "kind" to be accounted like one of them, me being capable of that betrayal it's what had hurted me more.

:-(