Stream of conciousness...

What's so important to love someone. I'm planning T's party on saturday and I realized today while thinking on the amount of people in the trip and the Bar what if I've a panic attack there, my heart started running amok. I'm thinking on skipping it.

This has become serious, at the beginning it was just something I could control with a quick zen, but now it takes over so much I'm for all purpouses entrenched at home avoiding all personal contact with people outside.

I know that if I don't take this seriously next stage would be my total inability of leaving home.

The end?!

D write me a couple of times. It implied if I was wanting to end our "long-distance" open relationship. Because I had not answered the phone calls since friday. Right now I'm having an issue at work I can put anything else and at the same time admitting that I need help is showing weakness. D knows how I'm when I feel stress, I avoid and encircle myself within a bubble until I sort it out, I'd done that before, that him is acting in such a way gaves reason to think either he's tired of the situation and want to start anew there or really he's feed up because his inability to reach me.

I'd a nose-dive, went down very quickly, even E noticed. But I said it was because of work's related stress.


I meditated for a while, I understand what it hurts to lose D, but I must look forward, I'm running out of time.

My spice induced obsession on E's hands...

E went with T to the movies yesterday, because I'd to stay late at work. I finished around 10:00pm and they wouldn't be out of the theater until 12:30 so I decided to go to R for a beer.

P,I and R where there. Been almost for 4 months without having my romps with a man I'm basically avoiding the males of the specie, I long for what I haven't got and that's dangerous, I may slip. Anyways, the guys where already drunk and ignoring all concept of personal space, I tried hard to conceal the erection caused by all the nibbling in my ears of grave voices with a smell of musk,tobacco and alcohol, touching, hugs,etc. I wanted to go out of there! Too many testosterone and I was having none.

I found I outside, she has two packages of spice and gave me one. We chatted and after two lines the spice cooled me off. I chatted with two new guys that showed up, since it was hot I went inside and start talking with E, after configuring a forum for him and trying to figure out how to use it..one of the spice side effects kicked in...

I became horny as hell, suddenly I was overconscious of E's smell, of E's heat, of his physical proximity, I was overly turned on by this big guy who when sane I see as an elder brother. It got to intense. I was afraid I was going to end putting my hand in his butt or worse, we were to close and my erection was becoming increasingly hard to conceal. And I bet I shoul'd that look of longiness male and women seem to find so appealing to their egos. I left.

Because of the spice wasn't able to sleep until 2 hours later. But couldn't take E off my mind. My cock ached so bad but I was resisting to play with it, my nipples where hard and upper sensitive and the only thing I could imagen was E's big hands parting my legs and fondling my cock, his mouth all over it, sucking, licking, biting, I was going crazy because of spice, ultimately over horny, without touching myself I came in loads mumbling E's name.

If I ever get to put my hands in that guy I bet he'll wonder why I'll look so familiar with his body...