G called me at 10:00 am as he told me will do.
He feels a little better now.
I told him about J's invitation to see Indochine.
An he said it was ok.

We talked a while, about a lot of every bit
I wanted to see him but he has to work :-(

But I managed to get his office phone number
So, I'll call him there.

I'm not sure if it's ok to stay tonight at his home
he said there was no problem but, then. that would
put the pressure of sx on it.

But I do want to walk with him in the mornig.
Would suggest that to him.

28 de Julio

G called me at 9:00pm
he went to the doctor
and the doctor had give to him some pills and he was too dozed to pick me up.
but he wanted to see me.
I took a cab and went to his place.

He was all tired
still with his day clothes
I hughed him and while he chatted about his whereabouts
I took his clothes off
take him to the bathroom
and took a shower with him

we stayed in the bed for a while
talking
he wasn't sure his relationship with this guy was to end
(God, I almost cry then, broken hearted)
but then I put a big smile on my face
and said to him "I'm going to make you love me, can I?"
he laughed and said yes.

we kissed and cuddled for a while, none of us wanting to
get off the bed.

Then we went to the kitchen
and have some dinner
(our first dinner together, just a little chicken, lot of sauce and 2 brand cookies jajaja)

I cleaned the dishes, and he seemed very amazed about that jajaja

We kissed goodbye and then I went home.

J invited me to El Valle.
It was great.
I was pretty nervous, among people I hadn't meet before.
but they were pretty down to earth.
And felt warmth and friendliness.
Then..
Enter G
Walking in with this expression of sleepiness or lack of it all over his face.
And then he saw me.
And the I saw him.
And click!

J was all over G that day
G was such a down
I imagine ASAP what he was going through
probably a broken heart
and it was.

From time to time he would turn and watch me
and I would look the other way
Some times he would ask me stuff
and I would answer him with a humm

I wanted to know who he was but I was afraid he was with his partner and besides J wanted him too.


Time to leave.
I was sad
because I thought I won't see him again
Then he approached me
and asked my phone number jajaja
then everybody made a quick arrangement and I stood with him in his car.
but still I didn't knew if the target was me or G.
We didn't return to P's cabin, we went to G's one.
I was "oh oh"
and J was so "friendly" with G that I thought I was there just to watch
and then it happened
in the garden
he was crying
and I just hughed him
so hard
and he did the same
and it was so beautiful.
we stayed for a long time that way
while J turned his attention to L jajajaja
because G and I were already hooked in each other
the world around wasn't there at all.

I returned to Panama with G
with our hands joined
my heart was singing

We went to his place
and he told me about his whereabouts
same history as I
his partner was treating him bad
they had broken
and such and such

I left near 3:00am

This time A's excuse was to came over to my place to burn a CD,
While he was doing his thing in the computer
I went to bed to rest a while
I felt asleep.
A while later I felt his strong hands raising my hips to take my boxers off.
I opened my eyes, and he was there, in front of me, naked and
with a raging hard on.
"I want to have you, come on, we are short of time"
We came at the same time, as always.
Then while he went to take a shower.
I just lied in the bed tired and satisfied for the first time in many weeks.
My body aching with the love marks he's so plentifull inclined to left in my body. Marks nobody else besides him sees.

Wow, I needed that.
There's something about A.
Sex with him is always so down to just sweaty, instintive, hot sex.
but at the same time, so fullfilling.
There's a peculiarity about the way our bodies seems to sync
that I only had experienced with very few people but with
him is every time.

Seems Blue chapter closed today.
I'll go out, will get drunk, and toast in his holy name.
And maybe find someone to sleep with tonight.

K's commentary: Forget T, Forget Blue, give J a chance.

To think of sex
means not only to use it
but above all to abuse it

Scorched earth.

So I went out to the street.
And walked down promising myself never to look that way again.
But then, the rest of the night.
Just tried to keep calling and calling him.
Nobody answered the phone.

Why I can't expel T. off my mind, my heart or whatever he is :-(

Ahh, And azu, with it's coldness.

Yesterday was one of those days
The whole world seems to fall upon my shoulders.

Supreme perfection.

So I went out last night after all.
With my mind full of rage walked down the street.
First stop: BLG.

The bitch was there.
So I went to Deep Room.
Empty.

Take a cab. Next stop: Space
Karaoke night.

It couldn't getting worse.

A. was there.
So I linger for a while with him.
Then, as if to said nothing.

The bitch arrived with the Pazeck and two other men.

Bitch!

K's commentary: I told you his apology has no bases, that wrench would never change.

Blue again.
Bad
A big one.

Wrote an email to blue.
Feel better.
but only while I'm thinking of him.
Wish I could think of him always.
But then probably I would fell in love.
And that's only a dream.

Feel lonely too.
Want to go out.
into the night.
into the darkness of a pub, a disco. whatever there is music, alcohol, drugs and hot bodies.
and go into that darkness
and lie in their beds
with their bodies.

May be I should read some cavafis tonight.
It always sooths me.

I will do that.
I will read Cavafis till I fell asleep.

Meet J.

Quite a deep voice for such a body.

But I had learned the benefits of having a short and slim body.

It's so easy :-P to handle with both hands :-P

The Sex was cool.

Me, him, the moon, the impressive view of the Panama bay from his apartment (35th floor!!), the sounds of the sea.

Quite a magic moment.

He wants to see me again, that's cool, quite a trip we have together. He's leaving for Brussels next week I guess.

And the Aussie Affair!!! jajaja, that was quite a situation.

It was so great I didn't think of Blue the whole night.


But when I went home.

And got to bed.

I said the usual to my bed's empty side.

Good night blue.

Day two without Blue.

:-(

I got depressed last night and went into a shopping spree.

At least I like half I bought.

But that doesn't change the fact.

That I'm blue without blue.

I went out with Blue and M.
M is so cool, Blue and Him do a good match.
I'm glad Blue have someone near to him all the time.
He's moods seems a little lighter.

I a moment I felt full of sadness.
Blue and I wouldn't share something as special as M and him.
But then, that make more special the minutes I spent in his company.

I saw Red yesterday too.
We kissed and frolicking a while.
He invited me to his sister house tonight.
Would be cool, I'm excited about it.

K's commentary: The seahorse only has eyes for Blue.

I talked with blue yesterday.
Miss not seeing him.
Jon arrived from Australia this weekend.
I'm glad to have him here.
Feel better now.

Called Blue yesterday.
He was watching a Movie with M.
Park.

Block.

What if he was the one.

So long, goodbye.

My heart closes now.

Block.

I talked to Blue yesterday.
He seemed on a better humor.
Miss him so much.

Block.

Blue image is fading, as the others.
I started to fall again.

Block.

I was inmersed in Darkness.
Trying to see him face to face.
And Darkness opened his eyes.
And saw me back.
A face so long forgotten I only recognized the expression.
"I'm back" Darkness said.
And then the rapture.
When I opened my eyes.
A normal morning in a normal day.
Darkness expression had remained in my face.

End of dream one.

Block.

Solitude.
Emotional turnmoil.
Despair.

Block.

E induced me a regression.
I went into it for a while.
But when E brought me back.
Couldn't remember anything.

Why I can't remember, Why I can't bring the memories back.

Block.

K's commentary: The raging emotions in the hypothalamus refuse to take instructions from the prejudices lodged in the frontal cortex.